Conchitina Cruz, "失眠症" @ 蔗尾蜂房

Conchitina Cruz

失眠症
--Conchitina Cruz，羅浩原譯

教堂外，孩子們蹲在水泥台階上，用手指將一朵朵雙瓣茉莉*串進聖徒木雕像的花冠。上年紀的民族主義者接受訪問時回答：「行動主義的目的就是讓自身過時淘汰。」他的聲音從收音機雜音中揚起，我的目光從被撞死的動物身上移開，此際你一如平常開車送我回家，擺動著車頭避免壓到已被撞死的動物；一隻貓浸在自己的血中；馬路上處處是青蛙平滑屍體的光澤。

當我目光從馬路上轉開，你說道：「聽著，我太疲倦了，我開車時需要妳不斷跟我說話。」由於我已經好幾年不看報紙了，我無法再背誦出南美各國的首都。幾個小孩肆無忌憚地貼近車道，向疾駛的汽車兜售鮮花。

冰箱的嗡嗡聲之下，還有別的聲音：樹木一棵棵倒下，屠宰場紛紛暴動。

人無法從物理學那邊討到便宜，物理學只要用代表熱力學第二定律的一個詞就能直指重點：「能趨疲」。** 我開始每天購買雙瓣茉莉；你將花夾到車內的後照鏡上。枯萎的花圈在垃圾中越積越多。

一輛擁擠的巴士上，有個飢餓的孩子盯著我口袋中的錢包看。我累得快睡著了；我知道他還在等。

Conchitina Cruz, Disappear, Quezon City: High Chair, 2004, p.17.

譯註：

* 雙瓣茉莉（Sampaguita），1937年被選為菲律賓的國花。

** 「能趨疲」（entropy，又稱「熵」）的觀念乃根據熱力學第二定律，能量由一種形式轉換為另一種形式之過程中，有些能量會形成不具潛能之熱形式。凡具秩序性之組織，會朝向混亂而變化，有秩序之組織較無秩序者具潛能，而此能量則會漸變成分散性、不具做功之能力。在不可逆的反應過程中「能趨疲」將會增加，諸如冷熱空氣自發性地混合、煤的燃燒等等。生命現象則抗拒熱力學第二定律，亦即減少「能趨疲」，而增進生命組織的秩序。（引自：國家教育研究院「學術名詞暨辭書資訊網」：http://terms.naer.edu.tw/detail/1318541/?index=1）

Insomnia
--Conchitina Cruz

Outside the church, the children squat on concrete steps, their fingers stringing sampaguitas into wreathes for wooden saints. In response to the interviewer’s question, the aging nationalist says. '"The goal of activism is to make itself obsolete." His voice rises above the static, and I look away from the roadkill as you, driving me home as usual, swerve the car to avoid hitting what is already dead; a cat soaks in its own blood; the roads glisten with the slippery bodies of frogs,

and you say, when I turn away from the road, “Listen, I’m too tired so I need you to talk to me while I drive.” Because I have not read the newspapers in years, I can no longer recite the capitals of many countries in South America. The children approach the highway without fear, peddling their flowers to speeding cars.

Beneath the hum of the fridge, there are other sounds: falling trees, the riot of slaughterhouses .

One gains nothing from physics, which makes its point in one word that stands for the second law of thermodynamics: entropy. I start buying sampaguitas each day; you clip them to the stem of your rearview mirror. The withered wreaths accumulate in the garbage.

In a crowded bus, the hungry child eyes the purse in my pocket. I am tired and about to fall asleep; I know he is waiting.